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THE Poppletonian

God in the quad Subscription

26 March 2015 | By

A Poppleton don who is well known for his militant atheism has spoken warmly of the Virgin Mary

Extremists on campus shock Subscription

19 March 2015 | By

We can exclusively reveal that a high-level investigation into the possible presence of “extremists” on our campus has detected at least four members of academic staff who not only display an unquestioning adherence to a monolithic faith but also…

Guess who’s watching you now! Subscription

12 March 2015 | By

“Well done, Liverpool!” That was how Louise Bimpson, our corporate director of HR, reacted to the news that the University of Liverpool now requires every member of its academic staff to be observed at least once a year by one of their peers

No business like business Subscription

5 March 2015 | By

In what those with an eye for a telling headline are already calling “A shock mission admission”, our Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, has confirmed that our university is applying to join the University Alliance group

It was there all the time! Subscription

26 February 2015 | By

Our Deputy Head of REF Strategy, Brian Bryan, has expressed “absolute delight” at the news that the high-powered research panels set up to detect “impact” in the 2014 research excellence framework appear to have had no difficulty whatsoever in discovering its existence and measuring its relative value

You do it my way Subscription

19 February 2015

“I can’t say I’ve ever heard of this particular university, but it certainly seems to have the right idea when it comes to putting academics in their place”

Safety first Subscription

12 February 2015 | By

“I think we have at last found the ideal speaker.” That was how our newly appointed Head of Safe Space, Gerald Bowdler, described the latest development in our university’s long search for a public speaker…

Common as muck? Subscription

5 February 2015 | By

According to the Higher Education Statistics Agency, 27.1 per cent of all academic staff in the UK are now on teaching-only contracts

Make your mind up time Subscription

29 January 2015 | By

As we are constantly reminded, the general election draws ever nearer. This week, we are pleased to bring you the essential components of the Labour Party’s policy

Nuts in May? Subscription

22 January 2015 | By

“I haven’t yet heard from Theresa May, but I’m confident that she will regard my proposal as a positive contribution.”

Rising above the crowd Subscription

15 January 2015 | By

“I’m pleased to say that our own vice-chancellor esteems his office far too highly to allow it to be diminished by involvement in any such demeaning behaviour.”

‘We have bragging rights!’ Subscription

8 January 2015 | By

In a week in which a grand total of 32 vice-chancellors have reportedly boasted in internal emails that their university has become a top 10 UK university based on the recent results of the REF comes news of a real triumph for Poppleton

Greetings from your vice-chancellor... Subscription

1 January 2015 | By

Happy New Year to you all, with the obvious exception of those on short-term, zero-hour contracts

Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice! Special Research Excellence Framework edition Subscription

18 December 2014 | By

“Amazing.” “Extraordinary.” “Fantastic.” “Makes my Christmas.” “Truly wonderful.” These were just a few of the joyous responses from Poppleton staff…

Poppleton college slammed Subscription

11 December 2014 | By

Poppleton’s leading private for-profit higher education college, the Great British College of Business, Computing, Technology and Management, has been “shamed” in a new report

A most unequal match Subscription

4 December 2014 | By

One of our leading pro vice-chancellors, Dr Janet Balsam, has denounced the “naive and immature” portrait of higher education recently articulated by Toni Pearce, president of the National Union of Students

Welsh terriers: shock analogy Subscription

27 November 2014 | By

Suggestions that there might be “parallels” between the language used to postgraduate student complainants by the Dean of Swansea University’s School of Management and the reproof issued by our Head Gardener to the dogs that routinely trespass on the university management’s croquet lawn have been vigorously denied

I can see clearly now! Subscription

20 November 2014 | By

Suggestions that Plymouth University is currently beset by “uncertainty” after the recent return to office of its vice-chancellor, Wendy Purcell, have been described as “maliciously misinformed”…

Boycott broken – shock allegation Subscription

13 November 2014 | By

Shouts of “scab” and “blackleg” greeted one of our senior academics when he arrived on campus this morning

Searching for a comment Subscription

6 November 2014 | By

“I have no comment whatsoever to make on the tribunal’s decision, and no comment whatsoever to make on my consistent failure to make any comment at all on the entire disciplinary proceedings.”

Pile ’em high Subscription

30 October 2014 | By

“It’s nothing more than a medium-sized temporary blip.” That was how Nathan Prest, our Head of Student Recruitment, responded to allegations that our university’s new “Super Greed” policy…

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